This is not going to contain meat dresses or self-proclaimed “fierce” “divas,” not only because those chicks are clattered down with 72 stylists to just take a stroll in the park, but also because who cares? Talk about well-worn territory. 2013 style is not only generally pretty boring, but simultaneously gratuitously self-congratulatory. It’s my professional opinion* that all the cool kids are kind of a diluted version of one of the following bad bitches.
1. DIANA ROSS – That hair — those lips — oh, the insanity. Diana Ross pre-dates Mariah Carey in being the deliciously-crazy idea of everything you ever wanted to be, saying whatever she felt like saying, whenever she felt like saying it. Her style is not only flawless, it is perpetually evolving and adapting to the times. The Supremes lived up to their name, but Diana’s unapologetic wear-everything style pushed her beyond even them. Whether she’s casually posing barefoot, wearing a t-shirt and shorts or she’s leaping around stage in neon feathers telling people not to touch her while flipping that magnificent head of hair, there is no question that Lady Ross is one of the hottest, coolest chicks ever to scream into a microphone.
2. BJORK – Jesus Christ. Have you ever heard of a big Hollywood event dress causing half as much of a stir as that weird swan thing? No. No you haven’t. Even though we’ve all been partying to Cher for like a squillion years. Bjork’s totally weird and eerily cute style haunts me. She was the subconscious backbone behind the “OK WHAT is going on in this music video on MTV right now you guys? Is this a metaphor or are they just on drugs?” generation that every 19-year-old purchasing a pair of Doc’s, purple lipstick and a 90’s beanie hopes to be mistaken as a member of today. So Bjork, thanks for letting us know that weirder = better, you Icelandic, grinning, glorious paparazzi-puncher you! (God you guys I hope she never ends.)
3. DEBBIE HARRY – Do you remember the first time you saw that poster of her with her peroxide hair and her pouty lips and that studded belt surrounding her black panties, and you were like, “What have I been dressing like? Clearly it’s not good enough. Clearly I have to re-think my whole game and try and fix myself because she is so god damned cute that mere mortals like me and my dumb friends should not be allowed to even look at her, let alone have her semblance hanging on our walls”? Debbie Harry, you’re a goddess. No one compares to your punk rock/disco “I don’t care, I’m just this hot for real” face. Sometimes (most times) I wish I still had that poster and a record player and the luxury of an adolescent drug problem.
4. JOAN JETT – Joan, Joan, Joan. Do you want to kiss me, or do you want to kick my ass? Do you want to do both? I am fine with either. The real problem with how mind-blowingly sexy this leather and spandex clad feminist was is that she still — fucking — is. Yeah right, with that mullet. No one looks good with that mullet. Remember your early 2000s electro trash phase, where you had that over-priced neon-wearing hair stylist boredly try and razor it onto your head? And then you pump yourself up, telling yourself you looked like her, but then you realized you were too fat to pull it off or something? And then all your friends tried to avoid the subject? I don’t know. Maybe that was just me.
5. DOLLY PARTON – I tweeted a little bit ago about how nobody’s perfect, then I retracted the tweet and said “Except for Dolly Parton, of course.” And truer words have never been spoken. HOOOOOOWWW did she get her hair that big? Who has that many rollers? How is she so brilliant and funny and witty and progressive? She’s never mean to anyone and she makes bright pink and leopard print look classy even when she wears them IN THE SAME OUTFIT. I have big boobs and I used to think they made me physically déclassé, but then my friend brought her up as evidence that they don’t. Dolly Parton is the classiest, most stylish individual walking on the face of the planet.
(*My opinion is totally not professional)
Words: Chloe Newsom
Who are some of your favorite female musician fashion icons? Let us know in a comment below!