“Too Close” by Next
Okay, deep down we all love this ’97 R&B classic, but if you listen to the intro and words closely, it’s a song about a dude’s boner! I used to sing this song as a kid, little did I know what it means. If you’re going to write a love song for a girl, don’t make it about your boner.
“As Long As You Love Me” Backstreet Boys
90s Hearthrobs Backstreet Boys may have had us enchanted with their pop hits “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” and “Larger Than Life” but their make-the-ladies-swoon hit “As Long As You Love Me” is questionable, and reeks of desperation.
“I don’t care who you are” — OkCupid stalkers ok, then?
“Where You’re From” — Swamp. Sewer. Cleveland. Nah, next.
“What You did” — Farted. Drank the last of the OJ. Murder. Doesn’t matter to these guys.
“As long as you love me” — This verse, and this song, is a clear sign of a sociopath. The kind you see on LifeTime for Women.
“Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s
Ah, the emo boys’ love anthem … A song that at first was okay, but then got completely annoying and whiny after hearing it over and over again on the radio. Tom Higgenson sings “Our friends would all make fun of us”, most likely this would happen if you think a long distance relationship would work out. Especially if you’re 1000 miles away. Sadly, long distance relationships don’t work out. And if you’re in one, quit lying to yourself — they DO NOT work out.
“I’m In Love With A Stripper” by T – Pain
Really? Oh geez. The best way T-Pain’s auto tuned voice can express his love for this girl is by describing her eyes as not simply brown, but butter pecan. You can see how serious T-Pain is trying to make this song, with the casual sound of three chords coming from an acoustic guitar playing in the background. And a nasty stripper?! Why are all rockstars infatuated with strippers? We know you certainly don’t want to take one home to Mama and marry one.
“I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by Meat Loaf
For starters, this song is just cheesy. It’s the kind of song people with underbites love (picture in your head someone singing the main chorus with all their might, and they have an underbite). Forever a karaoke classic and not a song you’d proudly play every Sunday morning as you lounge about, what exactly is it that Meat Loaf won’t do for love?
“Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
This cheese-tastic 90s pop hit is full of empty promises. You’ll be my wish, dream, fantasy, hope, love, strong, faithful, and everything I need? Hmm, let’s start with go make me a sandwich or take me to a movie and we’ll see how it goes from there. Babysteps, to avoid babies.